I was in OfficeMax the other day, making copies of an exam for the Michigan geography class I teach. I noticed that someone had left a sheet of paper… a map in the copy machine. Obviously he or she had made copies and left the original behind. It appeared to be some sort of map of Michigan that said “White House Top Secret” on the top.
Being a bit curious, I looked at this map. It was a pretty ordinary map of the Lower Peninsula of Michigan except for a sharp, red line drawn along the eastern edge of Michigan with some dates attached.
I was thinking to myself, “this is not a very interesting map” when a well dressed young man in his late 20s came charging up to me and said in an excited voice “Don’t look at that! It’s secret…Give it back or I’ll have you sent to Guantanamo.”
Well, I think of myself as an accommodating person, but suddenly this map became more interesting… and just the way he said “Guantanamo” was slightly annoying. So holding the map tightly I said: “Hmm …seems to show some sort of fence or wall along Michigan’s border with Canada. But there’s no wall there...”
No, no, no! Your not suppose to see that! The young man had a rather pained expression on his face. “I’m from Homeland Security and I’ll have to have you arrested. This is about national security!”
Well the thought of being sent to Guantanamo just for looking at a map did give me pause, but I figured I’d try something: “So you guys are planning to build a wall between the US and Canada? Great idea! Keep out those pesky Canadian terrorists. Excellent. Keep up the good work!”
The young man seemed surprised at my comment. “So you actually like our plan to build a wall on Michigan’s unguarded eastern flank? We thought some people here might resist the idea of having a 10 ft. concrete and steel wall along Michigan’s coast.”
“Hell yes, I like it!” I said, “Best damn thing you guys can do… spend $500 million to employ 20,000 laid-off auto workers to build and man this wall. We got lots of unemployed people in the area who’d be interested in jobs as security guards -- even bring their own guns. Why should Texans get all the billions of dollars appropriated by Congress for “secure fences”… we’re just as vulnerable as they are. Any damn terrorist can just row across Lake Huron and sneak into Michigan -- probably happens every day."
“Some 7500 Canadians a day cross our border with Windsor to work in the US. No wonder, there’s no jobs in Detroit! Canadian’s are buying up our strategic supplies of beer and tobacco, they are working for our companies, corrupting our children with tales of health care for all. We have to draw the line."
"Seal up the tunnel and blow-up the Ambassador and Blue Water bridges I say. When Homeland Security built a fence between southern California and Mexico, crime in California went down 35%. Building a wall between Windsor and Detroit is just the ticket for reducing Detroit’s high crime rates!”
This Homeland Security guy looked at me somewhat quizzically and asked: “So you wouldn’t be upset having this security wall and armed guards along the Detroit River, Lake St Clare, and Lake Huron?”
“Are you kidding?” I replied, “We’ve been trying to get the Corps of Engineers to build us seawalls for years. This is just the ticket! And it solves another ongoing problem … the court battles over who gets access to Michigan’s beaches: the public or cottage-owners. This way only the US military and invading Canadians can get to the beaches.”
“Well I’m glad you see it that way! It’s been really good to talk to a true American who recognizes our need to defend our country from immigrant terrorists – foreigners attempting to settle here with the hopes of being able to work hard and get ahead. Incidentally, I need my map back.”
“Sure, sure!” I said, quickly running off 3 more copies that I can sell to local immigrant smugglers and terrorist organizations.
