About the Boomers

We have a problem …perhaps the most serious problem confronting our society today! Between 1946 and 1964, America’s population experienced a sudden surge. During this period 76 million little Americans were born -- more births than at any equivalent time in our history.

The Americans born during this period constitute almost 40% of our voting-age population. Most of the critical problems that beset by our society are a direct result of this bulge in America’s population known as “the Baby Boom”.

What should we do about this burgeoning generation that distorts our society...eats our fast food, clogs our highways, burns our gas, and overloads our recreation sites? Keep in mind that most of the Boomers are not yet retired! What’s life going to be like when they reach full maturity and hit the roads and casinos full time?

The Baby Boomers are now destroying what little remains of our youth-oriented culture. Once we were the land of the young and free and reckless – pioneers ready to explore new frontiers and cheerfully fight enemies, real and imagined. Now we’re afraid to soap windows on Halloween, blow-up mailboxes on the 4^th of July, or just shoot the crap out of stop signs after hunting season.

What we have today is a timid, flabby, aging, self-gratifying, bulge in our collective civic body -- gobbling up our country’s material wealth and then refusing to pass it on to younger generations. Previous Americans lived and gracefully died at ages where their children could live to enjoy their inheritances. Today’s Baby Boomers are refusing to die at an alarming rate! When the last Baby Boomer reaches 65 in 2030, she will ravenously consume stuff for another 22 years. Can we afford such nonsense?

Of course, it’s the young people who bear the brunt of their parents and grandparents grab for all the good stuff-- occupying the best places, bankrupting Medicare, marginalizing Social Security, and generally turn our country into an old people’s home. When I was born, the number of workers for each retired person was ten. Today it’s three. Soon, only two people will be supporting every retiree in lifestyles that include vacations in the Bahamas, shopping trips to Paris and Tijuana, ocean cruises, fine beer, bottled water, and sushi. And then, when they finally get ready to die, they’ll blow the rest on luxury nursing homes and on cryogenically freezing their heads.

Friends, we must act now. We must encourage our Baby Boomers to cheerfully self-destruct.

Here’s my 5 point plan:

#1: A recent study reports that the number of motorcyclists 45 years old and older killed in crashes nearly quadrupled over the past 5 years. Good news: crashes by seniors increased 60%. My plan: all Baby Boomers will be encouraged to ride motorcycles. Motorcycles will be available to Baby Boomers a low, government subsidized prices; helmets will be entirely optional for seniors. Not only might this reduce the congestion on our highways and the need for large parking lots, but we could see a reduction in the most aggressive (road-raged) Baby Boomers.

#2: Since most Baby Boomers are very patriotic and were not provided with a foreign war to fight during much of their adult lives, all Baby Boomers signing-up for Social Security will also automatically be registered for the Seniors Draft. While perhaps only the heartiest will pass the physical, these are precisely the ones we’d like to send off to war in order to save Social Security.

#3. As we all know, ours is a fast-paced digital age and should be governed by the most mentally fit. All Baby Boomers seeking high political office will be required to achieve “Level 3” in the popular computer game: Grand Theft Auto. This may not only reduce the number of Baby Boomers in government and the average age of the Supreme Court, but could help instill a certain up-to-date moral flexibility in our leaders.

#4. The great age of “drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll” arrived just as the first Baby Boomers were reaching adulthood. As fun as unprotected sex and hallucinogenic drugs were, they were soon found to be health hazards and declined in popularity when its was conclusively shown that LSD doesn't provide immunity from the laws of gravity. However, in an effort to rekindle this “age of love and irresponsibility”, municipalities will sponsor free raves at retirement homes (rooftops being the preferred venue) wherein fun drugs and alcohol will be freely available.

#5. And finally, all elevators will be required to play the soothing music of Montivanti and other 50s orchestras. While today’s seniors rather enjoy this music and young people are quite impervious to it, Boomers brought up on the Stones and Dillon, are destroyed by it! Studies at a respected Midwest University have shown that when trapped for 17 minutes in an elevator with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir repeatedly singing “Whistle while You Work”, 3 out of 5 Baby Boomers happily commit suicide. (Three additional minutes of Perry Como singing “hot diggity dog” will finish off the remaining two.)

Yes people, aging Baby Boomers represents a serious threat to our society and our way of life. But with perseverance and imagination we can still save our country by encouraging Baby Boomers to cheerfully self-destruct. Please help support my 5 point plan.