My vegeterrorist

In these dark days of our war on terrorism we all have to do our part. We have to guard against those who would subvert our American way of life – no matter whether they’re friends or even family. I want you to know that my wife and I take this responsibility seriously.

Last fall, after graduating with honors from high school, our only child went off to an expensive liberal-arts college in the East. We were pleased and very proud. We scrimped and saved all our lives to provide our daughter with this wonderful opportunity. We were quite prepared for the possibility that she might return educated as a communist, a radical feminist, or even a lesbian -- after all, what are elite Eastern colleges for? But to our dismay, she did not come back even as a socialist -- and she seems to like boys. But we were devastated when she announced that she’d become a vegetarian.

A vegetarian! Can you imagine? Both her mother and I are good card-carrying carnivores. Our daughter had a normal upbringing of Big Macs, Kentucky fried chicken, Ball Park franks, and All-beef burritos. At an early age and while growing up, she gave no hint of this addiction to plants that was to overtake her in college. When she left home, naturally we assumed that she’d continue her all-American flesh-eating ways. But nooo…she goes and becomes a vegetarian!

Friends, where did we go wrong? What could we have done to save her? We asked our daughter, “Why, oh why are you a vegetarian?” Is it a protest against the meat packing industry? Is it out of a sense of solidarity with the animal kingdom? Is it because you’re a health nut or want to lose weight? Or have you joined some religious cult? Is it because you hate your parents?

“No” she said thoughtfully, “it’s none of those good reasons. I just don’t want to eat meat anymore.”

Needless-to-say, we were shocked! We know it’s un-American to be a vegetarian. Besides the obvious affront to cowboys and the American West, and rugged barbequing Americans everywhere, vegetarians are linked to sissy protests over animal rights and endangered species. Some may be lulled into thinking that vegetarians are harmless, but we know different. We see clearly that vegetarians are a directly challenge to our God-given duty to inflict violence, pain, and death on who ever needs it.

Vegetarians are often opposed to hunting deer, rabbits, and the occasional baby seal, to baiting traps and poisoning coyotes or stray cats, to harpooning whales and porpoises, to chopping down ancient forests, and to executing prisoners. Why, they may even question our duty to bomb remote Asian villages when necessary! And we all know where that kind of thinking leads…it leads directly to a world over run with deer, rabbits, whales, big trees, criminals, and Afghanis.

Yes, vegetarians are a serious threat to our American way of life. When our daughter announced that she’d become a vegetarian, her mother and I realized we had to do something, but we discovered to our dismay that there are no organizations for deprogramming vegetarians. We couldn’t take her to someone who would help her over this addiction to plants. Not only are there no vegetarian deprogramming organizations, there’s not a single support group to help the friends and family members of vegetarians to cope with their confusion and pain. No counseling was available; we were on our own.

After much anguish and indecision, my wife and I finally decided we had to do something. We turned to Homeland Security. They kindly agreed to arrest her as a “terrorist”. Our hope is that six months or so of solitary confinement in some remote detention center without being charged with a crime or having access to legal council, our daughter will rethink this vegetarian business and learn to respect her right to live in “the land of the free”. She’ll come to see it’s her duty to eat hamburgers and hotdogs and things with lots of fat.

Friends, it was difficult to turn in our only daughter over to the Federal marshals, but we saw our duty and did it! There’s no telling how many people she might have infected with her plant-eating ways; how many other lives would have been ruined. Yes, we had to draw the line: communism, feminism, lesbianism OK, but eating only plants— too weird!

Each day that goes by with our daughter locked up is difficult, but my wife and I are trying to make the best of it. We try to look on the bright side -- saving a bundle in tuition bills. With this extra money we’re eating some great steaks, chops, and roasts at Michigan’s best restaurants. We’re doing our part. We’ve each gained 10 pounds. But keep in mind, it’s what every good American must do in this time of “war on terror”. We’re helping to protect you from vegeterrorists!